26 Months of The Deafening Silence

of My Beautiful Mum’s Vibrancy

It is strange how silence can be so loud, how, in the absence of sound

the weight of that silence can feel heavier than anything I have ever known

Ma, since that heartbreaking day we unexpectedly lost you, 26 months ago, our home, our lives, and everything around us have been filled with a deafening silence, and echoing the absence of your charming presence in every corner, every room, every moment, a silence so damn profound, that it feels almost tangible now, but it is not the absence of sound, this silence is powerful, and in it, I hear your sudden loss, a silence so loud, so constant, that it feels suspended in time, as if the world itself has stopped turning, leaving me trapped in a space, where nothing seems quite real anymore, a cruel reminder of all that I have lost, of your vibrancy that once filled our hearts

Ma, this silence has not just reminded of your excruciating absence, it has been a haunting reflection of your brilliance in every sense of the word, everything you were, everything we shared, for the past 26 months, you were full of life, always light up a room with your smile, your energy, and your infectious joy, and you had a presence that was larger than life, your love, your kindness, your humour, making everything around you feel more alive, and now, the silence that has taken your place feels like an unbearable contrast, in this silence, your absence is amplified, so stark, so immense, it is as if the entire world has dimmed without you, that it has crying out for your return

Ma, our home, once filled with your exuberant presence, has becoming a place where your unsettling absence is the loudest thing of all, as though it has lost its heartbeat, for the last 26 months, the familiar sound of your laughter, your voice, your footsteps, and the hum as you went about your day, all of these small, beautiful sounds, that once made our house a home, are gone, the rooms are the same, the furniture has not moved, but everything feels hollow, as though the house itself knows you are no longer here, each time I enter a room, the silence rushes to greet me, a soundless scream that reminds me, over and over again, of the loss I still struggle to comprehend

Ma, this silence has not only confined to our home, but it has seeped into every part of our lives, before, there were always movements, shared moments, the sound of life itself, now, 26 months has passed, this silence is hanging in the air we breathe, conversations feel so different, as if there is something unsaid, someone missing from the exchange, as we find ourselves still pausing, waiting for you to chime in the gaps between our words, it is like a reflex we cannot unlearn, but of course, you never do, the silence that follows is harsh and unrelenting, as if I am hearing everything from a distance, like the universe is speaking in a whisper, while my heart howls in silence

Ma, I never realised how much space you had taken up on this earth, not just physically, but in the very atmosphere around you, until you were abruptly stolen from us, and the silence swallowed it whole, 26 months ago, as grief has a way of silencing everything, the world is noisy around me, but inside, there is nothing but quiet, and I have been stuck in the bubble of sorrow, where the only sound is the echo of my own pain, laughter, when it comes, is so fleeting, almost uncomfortable, like it does not belong in this new, quiet existence, even the sound of my own thoughts feels more thundering, more intrusive, it is as if the space in my mind trying to fill the void you left behind

Ma, it has been 26 months of a silence that is both oppressive and agonising, the birds still sing, the wind still rustles the leaves, but it all feels muted, and it is not the peaceful kind of solitude, that offers respite, but the aching silence of loss, of unfinished business, a silence is endless, stretching across every day and night, a companion I never wanted, but cannot escape, the evocative nature of this silence is that, it does not allow me to forget, it follows me through every task, every interaction, in this quiet, I hear your voice in my memory that plays on a loop, as if the silence itself holds onto the sound of you, only in the faintest way, teasing me with a peek of what once was

Ma, 26 months on, I so want to run from this silence, to fill it with noise, with distractions, or anything to drown out the ache of your absence, but the quietness remains, it is as much a part of the grief as the tears and memories, it is the sound of hurt, of yearning, of love, that has no place to go, it is final, unforgiving, and it does not offer the closure, I so desperately seek, while I will never grow entirely comfortable with this silence, it will also forever speak of the life you lived so vibrantly, and the love you gave so generously, your loss left such a roaring silence, one that says more than words ever could, is a tribute to the irreplaceable soul that was, and will always be, my Ma